Irritable

Well people, I am an absolute horror to be around at the moment.

I am so fecking irritable I could literally kill a man.

At present I am taking a timeout in my boss’ office as I realised I was about to launch my stapler at one of my team for talking to a customer on the phone. When you consider I manage an IT Help Desk this is an unavoidable part of my day.

I assume this is a combo of the Buserelin and PMS. Let’s hope so as without these two excuses I’m just a horrible, mean person. I’ve stopped my Norethisterone now so AF should arrive in the next day to two. Lets hope that brings some blessed relief for the sake of Stone, my boss, my team, my mum and anyone else unfortunate enough to have to speak to me.

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Remember when…

…. Seeing an “Implantation Dip” on your BBT chart was enough to make you start working out your due date?!

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Now it makes me replace the batteries in my thermometer ;-)

Hope you’re all bearing up x

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Schedule for IUI Number 3

I called the clinic yesterday to get my schedule for IUI number 3. Here’s the skinny…

15/03 CD1

02/04 Start Norethisterone

04/04 Start Buserelin nasal spray

17/04 Blood test to check down reg is going okay

04/05 Start Gonal F

08/05 E2 blood test

That’s a long old period of sniffing again. Tedious.

I was planning a week long holiday starting on 11/05. If my clinic wasn’t so busy and I was having a text book cycle and response, my test day would’ve been the first day of my holiday. This would’ve been perfect but we know that’s not how this infertility crap goes down.

With an extra two weeks sniffing, if I respond to the stims the same as last time, my actual IUI date will be right in the middle of my holiday. Balls.

I can’t bring my holiday forward because of our work commitments. And I don’t think it’s practical to move it a week later in case my ovaries decide to go all diminished on me and I end up stimming for longer. I was so looking forward to a break but for now, the holiday is cancelled. Things may shift at work and I might be able to shoehorn it in sometime in April.

Anyways, we are where we are and as I don’t want to sit out a cycle it’s time to get my big girl panties on and suck it up.

On a positive note my new car should be arriving today… Hooray!

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What next?

Obviously we are going to go again!

We made all the noises… Let’s take a few months off, let’s just enjoy ourselves and forget all this baby stuff for a bit. But then as soon as I got the call from the nurse saying we can start the next cycle straight away we both decided we wanted to go for it. The disappointment of the BFN dissipated pretty quickly and has been replaced with optimism for the next cycle.

We are in this now, right in it. It makes sense to keep the momentum going.

On another note, new car purchased today… It’s not a child, granted, but it is my new baby!

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I am crazy

I tested today at 13DPIUI and received a big fat negative for my troubles. Ouchy.

Honestly I was surprised. Our numbers and the way I’ve been feeling for the past four days had me thinking I was going to see two lines this morning. But alas no. I have to ring the clinic in the morning to let them know so will do another test for completeness but clearly this cycle is O.V.E.R. I’m okay with it. So far.

It’s not been a waste… It appears I do respond to the stims if you give me more than a dribble and I can grow a real lining too! It’s still so hard though. All that waiting, sniffing, injecting, stressing, agonising, googling, analysing… It all culminates in peeing on a stick and waiting for three minutes to see a second line. No line? Then that’s it. Go on about your business and if you want to, start all over again.

I’m not sure what we want to do next. We have one more IUI on the NHS. Or we can skip this and go to IVF of which we also get one before we have to start paying for treatment. Or of course we could sack it all off and actually live our lives ;-)

I must say the constant consideration we have to give to treatment and TTC in general is getting tedious. My car is on it’s last legs and I’ve been putting off buying a new one for years whilst we wait to see what happens on the baby front. Trying to nail down a date to take a break is not easy either – it can’t clash with appointments or cycle timings and of course we wouldn’t want to travel overseas in the first 12 weeks of pregnancy (Ha! Chance would be a fine thing!). Plus we better not spend any savings in case we need it for IVF and don’t even think about changing jobs and risking a loss of maternity pay. Sorry if I sound like a complete ass complaining about holidays, savings and my job benefits. It’s just that I see our 30s getting sucked into this black hole of infertility. We’re stuck in a holding pattern and we should be out there living our lives to the full.

Well today I sold some shares and I’m buying me a new car with the proceeds. Fuck it. And I’m booking a holiday. To Turkey or Croatia. Somewhere hot anyway. I need to exert some control over proceedings and this is a start.

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10DPIUI and a little hope

Yesterday, at 9DPIUI, I read my post of the same name from my first IUI cycle. I felt disheartened. Was I having those same symptoms? It didn’t appear so. Last time I put it down to the progesterone pessaries. This time I’m assuming my progesterone will be way higher what with the pessaries and releasing 3, maybe 4 eggs. That means 3 corpus luteums right? Is luteums even the plural of luteum?! Who knows (or cares).

Anyhoo, this morning I feel hungover. This is how I felt last time but not quite this early on. Both times I can assure you – no alcohol involved. I’m dehydrated, headachy and generally in a daze. Maybe I’m crazy. Maybe not. Hopeful for the latter.

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5DPIUI – Realistic vs Optimistic

I am scaring myself this cycle… My normal realism has been replaced with an optimism which is unprecedented for me.

My previous IUI resulted in a pregnancy, even if that pregnancy only lasted five minutes. The process was a mess and our numbers weren’t great but it happened. I literally could not believe it worked. I was amazed.

This time, by comparison, our numbers are really good. Better than I could’ve hoped for. And what’s more, I know this procedure can work for us. As we are all aware though, this does not necessarily a baby make. My brain (or is it heart?) is not registering this at the moment.

This is such a double edged sword. I need to be positive to get through this. Negative me is not fun or pleasant to be around! It’s just such a long way to fall if I don’t retain some caution. I guess we all just flounder through this as best we can.

Thinking of all of you lovely people who are going through this (and then some) and sending some strength your way.

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